In a candid admission that his reform package as implemented by SB 899 is both flawed and inequitable, Governor Schwarzenegger today announced his proposal of a radical new program to address the consequences being faced by todays injured workers while surprisingly also tackling both the issue of illegal immigration across our southern border and the high rate of mortgage foreclosure.

Citing the success of "outsourcing" in lowering costs in a wide range of corporate enterprises, the governor's program will relocate injured workers to Mexico where their TTD/PD revenue will enjoy greater purchasing power in both housing and day to day living expenses w/o raising benefit costs to insurers and employers. Additionally, insurers will find significant reductions in the costs of providing medical treatment as the outsourced injured workers avail themselves of the treatment provided by local facilities.

Recognizing the needs of the UR process, and finding a corollary between treatment requested in California being reviewed for authorization in Arkansas by dubiously qualified physicians, and treatment requests originating in Mexico, UR requests there will be subject to review by companies in Guatemala and/or Guyana. Additionally, owing to widespread illicit drug-trafficking in these countries, prescription costs are expected to plummet with little anticipated impact to either cost or availability in California thus protecting this important local, multi-billion dollar domestic retail distribution industry.

Governor Schwarzenegger's proposal also provides for a 10-1 exchange rate where for each current Calif. IW outsourced, 10 "Illegal immigrants" will be issued "Amnesty Cards" disallowing their arrest and deportation if discovered by law-enforcement or immigration officials. The state Chamber of Commerce applauded this move as they anticipated a ready stream of future workers with lower expectations in both on-the-job treatment and compensation/benefit packages. Additionally, since many categories of businesses that utilize this type of worker often under-report their number of employees and/or fail to provide WC coverage at all, the Chamber of Commerce anticipated further cost savings thus freeing revenue vitally needed to finance their current and future political lobbying efforts.

This 10-1 ratio was echoed in another component of this just announced comprehensive approach. In a nod to his campaign and subsequent election obligations to the real-estate/developer community, Gov. Schwarzenegger announced a bold initiative to both provide quality, affordable housing to these new workers while simultaneously addressing the crisis in both the housing and mortgage markets.

The Governor, in an effort to limit public expenditures in bailing-out the "Zuh deadbeats" who simply because of near usury ARM terms and rates are now threatening the states aesthetic ambiance by adding to the ranks of the homeless, foreclosed housing will be acquired by a consortium of Schwarzenegger appointed private developers and rented to blocks of 10 Amnesty Card workers. Each two-bedroom home will be allotted one block of 10 workers as residents/renters while a 3rd bedroom will additionally allow housing a multi-generational family unit of 3-5 persons.

Properties with garages will be treated similarly allowing a 3-5 person family unit to reside therein. The sole exception being that children under ten will not be allowed to reside in those garages that lack an electrical connection. In a concession for this limitation and any possible loss of revenue, developers will be allowed to count those children under ten that dwell in a bedroom as .5 persons since owing to their size, they take up less space and can sleep 2-3 to a cot and/or bathtub.

Crohn E. Govpal II, interviewed at the exclusive Ole Boys Club, expected "minimal overhead/maintenance costs" as "most of those people are already pretty darn good at gardening, painting and construction" and can maintain the properties themselves, freeing management from the responsibilities. As proof, he noted their "hobby" of hanging around Home Depot, Dunn Edwards, Loew's and Armstrong's nurseries in their free-time.

Citing personal experience, he referred to a fellow as "Manual La Bor" who with two gardener brothers "Hose A. and Hose B.", were enlisted to mow and edge his 8-acre estate, repaint both the indoor and outdoor pools, re-stain his deck and descale his Jacuzzi all for less than $500, 3-40 oz. bottles of Tecate beer and a fifth of EL Presidente brandy. Crohn E. II further stated "Hell, I know they must really enjoy doing this kinda stuff to charge so little-It's really hard and I don't even get out of bed for less than 10 times the $500 I'm paying them!".

In an acknowledgment to the remote possibility of a scenario where one of these 10 for 1 workers may be injured at an employer who actually does provide WC coverage and/or claim forms, PD and TTD benefit rates will be construed as applying to the group as a whole, thus an individual who is injured will receive PD/TTD at 1/10th the rate currently awarded.

In the unlikely event of significant resulting PD, what country one of these injured workers would be outsourced to remains undecided. China has been proposed and is thought to be the most likely contender. From previous coverage, Gov. Schwarzenegger is believed to have discussed this issue with various foreign leaders during his trip throughout the countries of the Pacific Rim last year.

China has several economic advantages in its favor: The U.S. manufacturing that has been off-shored to China has resulted in a surplus of now empty shipping containers accumulating in Calif. ports that are uneconomical to return to China and could be used to transport these injured workers to their new exotic home. Additionally, as a result of less stringent labor laws and injury standards, many of these individuals would likely be required to re-enter the workforce there both lessening the insurers PD liability while aiding the Chinese in meeting their burgeoning demand for labor.

In those that don't return to gainful employment and instead insist on malingering, medical costs will be minimal through the use of traditional Chinese herbs, acupuncture and the Peoples Political Re-education Collectives. The widespread local manufacture of counterfeit pharmaceuticals will significantly minimize prescription costs. UR would be handled by Cameroon.

Further details will be posted as this story develops.

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Disclaimer:
The above is fiction/satire. Any usage of actual realities or stereotypes, however awkward, are not meant to cast aspersions on any group or individual. They have been used to parody several societal problems and some harsh realities that very real people live under.

However, given our politicians penchant for adopting lame-brained plans, schemes and programs, they are discouraged from thinking any of the above represents a viable solution for the mess they've created.